We don' need no stinkin' electricity

Posted proudly on the front door of the Victoria Supermarket on 9th Avenue, in a bold, determined block print from a well used black magic marker:

The supermarket that has been open in the face of disaster while the others were closed will be open til 9PM tonight.

Way to go, Mom & Pop! Say it with pride. In your face, Food Emporium!

And not only were they open, they stayed open later than usual. Score one for the independent.
posted 10:55 PM | link | 25 comments

Hello Darkness!

Massive power outage! My chance for some prime lootin'!

Don't know the whole deal, but power is out in the northeast. I sit right now in a UPS backed office, looking out the windows at people making a mad scramble to get home without electricity.

At least I can walk home from here.
posted 4:43 PM | link | 11 comments

Press Release

The White House yesterday said President Bush is willing to consider a constitutional amendment defining Jesus Christ as the one and only Lord and Savior of the United States, which some congressional Republicans say is the only effective option to protect the nation from infidels, unbelievers and heathens.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said a constitutional amendment "is something to look at. But we need to see what other options we can pursue to staunch the ever-rising tide of Godlessness."

But Sen. Orrin G. Hatch, Utah Republican, said he thinks the solution of moral decay "needs to be a constitutional amendment [because] I don't think you can solve it statutorily."

A Senate Republican leadership aide predicted congressional Republicans and the White House would eventually agree on the need for an amendment.

"Frankly, all the other options come up short," the aide said. "Things are just getting too freaky, too fast. We need to make sure everyone in the country would ask themselves 'What would Jesus do?' And I can tell you this, it certainly isn't same-sex marriages and looking at dirty books."

Sen. Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania Republican, and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, Tennessee Republican, have voiced their support for a constitutional amendment. An aide to Mr. Frist said members of the House and Senate are also exploring ways to defend the one true faith.

Sen. John Cornyn, Texas Republican, said one option being discussed is to take a statutory approach, and simply make other forms of worship, or the lack of worship, illegal. Mr. Cornyn said such passing such a law would be difficult, if not impossible, without a constitutional amendment, due to a little-known constitutional provision which attempts to limit governmental power in regards to matters of faith, called the First Amendment.

Rep. Marilyn Musgrave, Colorado Republican, has sponsored a constitutional amendment in the House that would define the Lord and Savior as Jesus Christ, but would leave it up to states to decide the specifics of how He should be worshiped. In response to opponents who said the constitution already addresses religion and the state, Mrs. Musgrave responded. "That's why they call it an amendment."

"The American people overwhelmingly support Jesus Christ," Mrs. Musgrave said in a statement, praising the president's endorsement of God's son at a Wednesday press conference. "This is evidenced in many ways, but particularly by the number of e-mails and telephone calls I receive in my office, as well as the many voices I hear in my head ... President Bush is right to make this a national priority and to begin taking action in the defense of all things sacred."

An aide to Mrs. Musgrave said a Senate companion to her amendment, which has 78 co-sponsors in the House, will likely be introduced soon.

The most recent Gallup Poll shows declining public support for non-Christian religions.

Key Republican leaders on Capitol Hill yesterday praised Mr. Bush's vow Wednesday not to compromise on matters of Scripture.

"The president laid out that he's willing to do what it takes to protect faith in this country," Mr. Santorum said.

Mr. Frist said the president was on target with his strong statements.

"I support the president's comments 100 percent," he said.

Mr. Bush on Wednesday paraphrased a Bible verse suggesting lack of faith in Christ our Lord is a sin - but noted "we're all sinners, just some more than others, and some sins are deadly, you know." Yesterday, the president's spokesman said Mr. Bush takes a tolerant approach to non-believers.

"We're not going to start rounding up people and feeding them to the lions," Mr. McClellan said yesterday. "Though it would be ironic if we did, wouldn't it? In any case, the president is not someone who believes in cruel and unusual executions. Any death sentences would be done in the most ethical and humane manor possible that can be done for a godless heathen."

"The president very much respects people who disagree with his view," Mr. McClellan said. "But this is a principled stand. This is a view he feels very strongly about, and the president will not compromise on that view."

When asked about how such an amendment might affect people of the Jewish faith, who do not believe Jesus Christ was the son of God, President Bush responded "What? You are kidding, right?"

(Inspired by this article on same-sex marriages.)
posted 9:52 PM | link | 10 comments

When all else fails

Generally I don't expect to see the phrase "heavy vaginal bleeding" on a subway ad. But I guess subway commuters make a good target market for drugs. Seeing that the folks selling street drugs can't buy advertising, us strap hangers are left with reading ads for prescription drug companies. In some of the not-fine-enough-print are some real delightful possible side effects.

The ad in this case was for a "morning after" pill, a pill a woman can take as an emergency contraceptive. If taken within 72 hours after sex, it can prevent pregnancy. Indeed a useful option in those cases where, as someone once said, "mistakes were made."

The name of this drug?

planB.

I am not shitting you.

I have it on good sources that the focus group that came up with that gem selected above this short list of other possible names.

• Cancellam
  
• Oopsia
  
• Undoital
  
• miBad
  
• Ejectol
  
• Unbangin
  
• Removex
  
• O-Crapcia

posted 10:31 PM | link | 1 comment

Comic Disbelief

So a guy walks into a comic book store in Dallas, Texas. He goes into the adult section of the store, where signs are posted that no minors are allowed. He picks up a comic book, a pretty explicit comic book. After all, it's in the adult comic section. He goes up to the clerk working the counter, and he pays for the comic book.

Then a cop comes in and arrests the clerk on an obscenity charge. For selling an adult comic, to an adult.

Ha ha!

It is even more hilarious because they arrest the guy behind the register. Isn't that hilarious? Here's a guy, earning a few bucks in a comic shop, and they decide he is a criminal. Not the publisher, not the distributor, not the store owner, but the whoever happens to ring up the sale.

In Texas, I guess that's what you call "law enforcement." Go after the little guy, because anyone else might be able to afford a lawyer. Or maybe then it would be too obvious how this violates the First Amendment.

But it gets better!

The poor guy goes to court. The defense has several people testify in defense of the comic book. Yes, it has sexually explicit parts, but it is not obscene, since for something to be obscene, it must lack any artistic merit, and have no meaningful message.

The prosecutor does not challenge this testimony. Instead, he simply offers that comic books are clearly meant for kids, no matter what anyone else says, and that the store is sort of close to a grade school.

That's his entire case.

Ha ha!

But it gets better!

The jury buys this! They convict him! In Texas, I guess that's what you call "justice."

Someone should round up the prosecutor and the jury, lock them all in a room, take a rolled up copy of the Bill of Rights, and beat the ever-loving stupidity right out of their dense, pointy heads.
posted 11:06 PM | link | 9 comments

Smut Patrol

Seeing now that we're running with a $300 billion dollar federal deficit, what better way to spend tax dollars we don't even have but to sic the Justice Department on pornography? John Ashcroft, the man who puts sheets over naked statues, even when that statue happens to be the Spirit of Justice, knows exactly what to do to help this great country. Republicans stand for one thing, and that's keeping government out of business, except when that business either takes place in a bedroom, involves anything to do with sexuality, or both. Even though it's a $4 billion dollar industry, giving many people employment and producing a product that is clearly desired, someone has to put a stop to it before someone gets a woody.

John Ashcroft, or "Captain Flaccid" as I like to think of him, cannot be bothered with pursuing corporate thieves and pension raiders when there are smut peddlers to chase. I am sure, in good time, he will find the link between "Penthouse" and Al Qaeda, allowing him freedom to pursue and prosecute pornographers as the bawdy terrorists they are.

Ok. Now a deep breath, and we can return to reality.

I, unlike the current administration, am a big fan of letting adults do what they want to do with other adults. I can think of no right as basic as enjoying your own physical body, which is why anti-sodomy laws are so offensive to me. Here we are, sitting in a country founded by people who were seeking freedom from government interference in religion, who felt government had no place in matters of faith, yet there are laws saying "a man's penis can only go into a vagina?" This is the land of the free?

I am relieved that the supreme court, if even for confused reasons, realized that these laws are stupid, stupid, stupid. One can only hope someday there will be a similar finding about obscenity laws.

We've come along way since the 70's. Pornography is a discreet, private business now. You don't see many adult shops around any more, and that's not because no one is buying. Quite the contrary, it turns out porno is a perfect direct mail order business.

So tell me how a porno movie, no matter how unappealing it may be to any one person, made in a private studio, sold directly to a customer to be enjoyed in the privacy of his or her own home, has any impact on the community? Where is the offense? Where is the harm?

Ashcroft and his gang of Unarousables are going for low-hanging fruit in chasing after Extreme Productions. I am sure many people would find a hardcore movie like "Forced Entry," which depicts rapes, to be distasteful. But that's really not the point. I find movies like "Freddy Vs. Jason" to be distasteful too. And certainly the producers of that movie aren't advocating murder and violence. So why the double standard when it comes to sex?

Frankly, I think it's so John Ashcroft can spend many hours alone in his office, reviewing the "evidence." Just check the Justice Department budget for tissues and hand lotion.
posted 3:54 PM | link | 6 comments

Balk Radio

Now that it is clear where the limits of me, as a blogger are, perhaps I should just stop with the whole thing.

With some journalists and politicians starting to take the phenomenon seriously, should Rush (Limbaugh) and other talkers start to worry about competition from the "Blogosphere?"...I doubt that blogging or any specific bloggers will match Limbaugh’s record-setting pace for gathering influence in the political process... The bloggers have a lot of work to do to catch up with or surpass Limbaugh’s excellence in broadcasting and political communications.

Frankly, every time I sit down on the can, I think I am producing something that surpasses that low bar.

Of course, there is nothing stopping Rush from starting his own blog, other than that a large segment of his audience is illiterate.
posted 8:48 AM | link | 4 comments

Running Man

I heard a collective cheer from comedians everywhere when Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for Governor of California. They are all thinking the same thing: "Please, God, let him win." I am also hoping he wins, if for no other reason than so I can mock Californians more.

California is a wacky, wacky place. It seems it's a petri dish for trying out bad laws, like energy deregulation, or election recalls. It's not so much a state as it is a cautionary tale.
posted 12:30 AM | link | 3 comments

When robots suck

I know some day robots will rule the earth, but until that day, I say make 'em work for it. That's why I splurged for a Roomba automated vacuum system. That's right, it's a robot that vacuums the floor. Vacuuming is a chore neither I or Conny seem to find time for, with all the good stuff on TiVo and all. Our dog Leo initially showed promise as a great hunter with his strange compulsion to eat the roaming dusty bunnies. Alas, even a dog as energetic as Leo couldn't keep up with the massive tumbleweeds blowing around our floors. I had to do something, and hauling a vacuum out on a regular basis just wasn't it.

As far as robot slaves go, the Roomba isn't bad. He is more like a unionized robot slave, though. He mostly sits around all day, never taking the initiative to start cleaning up on his own. I have to take him out and tell him to clean. I think Roomba has some sort of drug or drinking problem, too, after watching the bizarre way he does the floors. It's not very efficient, but he is thorough. Emptying out his dust tray, because the shop steward won't let him empty his own dust cup, revealed he does a good job too. Still, I would think I wouldn't have to carry my robot slave back to his bed after he works, but I guess we can accept a few compromises for version 1.

Leo and Roomba get along great. Roomba ignores Leo, and Leo is terrified of Roomba. Probably because he realizes Roomba can eat more dust bunnies than he can.
posted 1:58 AM | link | 7 comments

Idiot Boxing

What's been on the boob tube at Chez Nosuch, you ask?

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Not just another makeover show, but as the Fab 5 would say, a "make better" show. I'd say that's a fair assessment. The show works because the boys are funny and each episode has a different goal. It's not about just glamming up the squares with new haircuts and wardrobes, but helping them approach some event in their life with more style and grace. Mostly, it's a show which highlights what can be done with a little thoughtfulness.

Is it a gay minstrel show? Does it only pander to stereotypes? Frankly, I don't think so. I don't think any of the Fab 5 are doing anything less genuine than any other person on television, and I do think there is wide diversity in their personalities. (I have read elsewhere someone bemoaning that there are no "bears" in the Fab 5. Get in line sugar, there are no "leather men" either. The best we can ever hope for is diversity, not all inclusiveness.)

What I do know is I laugh a lot at the gently biting wit of the Fab 5, and I'm almost always impressed at the results they bring about at the end of the show. It is good fun.

Sex and the City

Though the style director of this show continues to float farther and farther away from reality, dressing up the ladies in anything short of a clown suit (though the season isn't over yet), there's been some very funny stuff on this final season.

Just in case there's any lingering questions, it is clear that the good woman and I are complete saps. When Charlotte and Harry got back together, and he proposed, we both shed a tear. Yep. It's that bad around here. You've been warned.

Big Brother 4

A guilty pleasure, but without much pleasure, I must confess. Conny infected me with this colossal waste of time last season, so I blame her.

I started off this season extremely cynical. Watching Big Brother is like getting to watch a sporting event, but only through highlights. But the person who puts the highlights together doesn't really show the game, but instead, presents a narrative. A false narrative. This is necessary so each show can end with a "zinger." This means you can almost guess the outcome of every show by following this formula: the more footage they show about a potential, the less likely it is to happen.

I suppose the real way to appreciate the true game is to watch all the live feeds available online, so you can have reasonably uncensored access to the wheelings and dealings of the house. But, no thanks, I have my own life to live.

This year the gimmick is they surprised the contestants by putting in ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends. So five of the people had to deal with an ex.

What this really means is the casting pool was a bit shallow, and it shows. What are the odds of someone wanting to get on a show like Big Brother having an ex that the producers could then track down and get to go on the show? (Mind you, without knowing why they were selected.) That's got to be a fairly small group of people. A small group of stupid people, it turns out.

We have no clever secret alliances. We have no smooth talkers. We have no clever deal makers. We basically have no game.

But I watch it anyway, just so I can be annoyed. It's not all bad.


posted 2:08 AM | link | 11 comments

Free fashion advice

Remember ladies, when wearing light colored pants, avoid dark colored underwear, and especially panties with dark, block print on the bum.

I'm not sure but I think the woman walking to the subway in front of me was wearing her "Monday" panties for the visually impaired.
posted 11:12 PM | link | 3 comments

What I did on my summer vacation

Well, that was a bit of an extended holiday. And frankly, one that was good for my enfeebled mental batteries. But there comes a time when even someone as lazy as myself can loaf no more, or so I've been told. In any case, time to dust off these cobwebs and get down to the not very important business of blogging.

After my European trip, of which you will undoubtedly hear too much about shortly, the next most exciting thing was going under the knife for a spot of minor, elective surgery. I'll spare you gory details, but it was an incident free experience, and I am doing fine, thank you. If you wish to speculate on the nature of the procedure, feel free to do so in the comments. I'll neither confirm nor deny any rumors.

I will say this: the first airline to offer anesthesia will make a fortune. Not only can you jam more people on, you won't need to offer any food or drinks, and it's a security plus! Great stuff that anesthesia.

Also hospitals should videotape surgical procedures and give that patient the tape. I mean, as far as I know, those guys doped me up, played canasta for an hour, and then put a few stitches in me. I feel ripped off. I want to see what happened, even if it does make me faint.
posted 10:32 PM | link | 1 comment